Self-Compassion
During this challenging time, it can be harder than ever to make it through the day. Anxiety abounds around the coronavirus, economic hardships, social and environmental upheaval, struggles when we are ill or when we need to care for sick people…. Amidst all this, how are we caring for ourselves?
In her research, Kristin Neff found that 78% of people she studied were more compassionate to others than to themselves. When asked, “How do you treat yourself when you make a mistake or fail in some way?” participants responded with things like: I beat myself up. I wonder what’s wrong with me. I can’t stop thinking about what I did wrong.
Neff has identified three basic components of self-compassion that help us to arrive at a state of loving, connected presence with ourselves. With a perspective of self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness, we are more likely to befriend and treat ourselves the way that we would treat someone we care about who is struggling.
Self-Kindness. Self-kindness counters the tendency toward self-judgment, so that we are as caring toward ourselves as we are toward others. When we make a mistake, we offer ourselves warmth. When we have a difficult reaction to stress, are challenged or overwhelmed, we find ways to soothe ourselves. “Rather than being harshly critical when noticing personal shortcomings, we are supportive and encouraging and aim to protect ourselves from harm.” (Neff and Germer, Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook, p. 10)
Common Humanity. Suffering is part of life and no one escapes it. We can forget that and feel isolated, alone in our suffering. Remembering our shared humanity helps us feel connected with others and to gain the perspective that everyone suffers hardships. No matter how painful our experience, suffering is part of being human, and we don’t need to feel alone.
“The circumstances are different, the degree of pain is different, but the basic experience of human suffering is the same.” (Neff and Germer, Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook, p. 11)
Mindfulness. Mindfulness means being present to the moment, just as it is, aware of self and other, with open attentiveness. We need to be open to our pain long enough to respond with care and kindness. If we distract ourselves from the experience of suffering or jump immediately to problem-solving… we will likely miss the benefit of self-compassion. A mindful pause can help us avoid denying and avoiding painful thoughts, so that we can face the reality of our experience. Mindfulness also helps prevent over-identifying with our negative thoughts, allowing us more space to respond with self-kindness and perspective. In this way, mindfulness is an antidote to rumination, to getting pulled into a downward spiral of our thoughts.
Together, these three components of self-compassion support us in cultivating a state of loving (self-kindness), connected (common humanity) presence (mindfulness), so that we can change our relationship with ourselves and the world around us.
Creating New Ways of Relating to Ourselves
“If we can learn to be kind and relate to ourselves with a caring mentality – to send ourselves helpful messages when things are hard for us – we’re more likely to stimulate those parts of the brain that respond to kindness. This will help us cope with stress and setbacks.” (Paul Gilbert, Mindful Compassion)
The human mind has an instinctive stress response — “fight, flight, or freeze” — that has protected us when we’ve needed to survive a threat. But this instinctual stress response may not be serving us well at this time. “Fight, flight, or freeze” can get triggered when we just make a mistake or fall short in some way. When we react with self-judgment, negative feedback loops can be patterned in our minds over time.
But we also know how to respond to stress with a “tend and befriend” response. That is, we can pause and allow stress to move through us, choosing to respond from the more developed, reflective areas of our brains, the neo-cortex, where we have more access to reflection, compassion and perspective. For some, this “tend and befriend” response comes naturally, and for others it is a skill that can be cultivated.
Extending compassion to ourselves helps us to build our “tend and befriend” response, in the present moment and throughout our lives. Self-compassion practices strengthen us in responding to stress from a kind and caring place.
What will self-compassion look like in our lives?
Broadly speaking, the tools of self-compassion offer us a way to work with our whole selves – body, mind, emotions, spirit… and our relationships – with awareness and kindness. By treating ourselves with self-compassion, we are enlisting our whole selves to work with us, rather than against us. Briefly, what might that look like:
In the Body. Softening or stretching the tense areas of our bodies, soothing touch… taking a nap, eating nourishing food, taking a walk or run, petting the dog or cat
In the Mind. Allowing, making space, not resisting our state of mind… Using a mantra - “This too will pass.” “One day at a time.” “2020.”
In Emotions. befriending and forgiving painful emotions with kindness, care, acceptance… engaging in enjoyable hobbies and activities
In Relationships. connecting with caring others, reaching out in friendship, asking for help
Spiritually. trusting in a loving God and the sacredness of life… spiritual community… connecting with nature….
Spirituality and Self-Compassion
Brene Brown defines spirituality in The Gifts of Imperfection (64): “Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion.”
This is echoed in Scripture. In the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus teaches that the greatest command is: (Mt. 22:37-39):
‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the greatest and first commandment. And a second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’
Some people may find it easier to recall, and perhaps have found inspiration in, the stories of Jesus serving others. (“It’s better to give than receive.”) But as Joyce Rupp points out in Boundless Compassion, Christians can also find scriptural basis for self-compassion in the lifestyle of Jesus, who showed he valued self-compassion all through the Gospels:
Mark 1:35. Jesus goes out to a deserted place and prays.
John 4:6. Jesus sits down by a well to rest, and asks for help.
Mark 5:25. Jesus climbs into a boat and goes away from shore to rest and relax.
John 11. Jesus allows himself time to grieve before taking action.
The loving connected presence that makes up self-compassionate living connects us with our deepest self, our relationship with others… and with the Holy One.
Reflection Questions
What is one thing that you do or would like to do to cultivate self-compassion?
What do you believe to be a challenge to self-compassion? What small step can you take to work through this challenge?
How will you treat yourself with more self-compassion in the next few days?
What do you do (or how might you begin) a daily self-compassion practice?
Resources
Rupp, Joyce (2018). Boundless Compassion: Creating a Way of Life. Notre Dame, IN: Sorin Books.
Brown, Brene (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection. Center City, MN: Hazelden.
Germer, Christopher (2009). The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions. New York: The Guilford Press.
Gilbert, Paul (2014). Mindful Compassion: How the Science of Compassion Can Help You Understand Your Emotions, Live in the Present, and Connect Deeply with Others. New Harbinger Publications.
Neff, Kristin and Germer, Christopher (2018). The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength and Thrive. New York: The Guilford Press.