Mindfulness and Compassion

Some say that mindfulness and compassion are two wings of the same bird. Some say that mindfulness is a core component of compassion. Either way, mindfulness and compassion are closely related.

Mindfulness Definition:

Mindfulness is a way of relating to our moment-to-moment experience with balanced, nonreactive awareness.

Mindfulness is a capacity to look at the processes and storylines going on inside us as an impartial observer. Instead of getting captured or hijacked (e.g. reliving an argument, an impulse in our mind), we take a step back and realize that we don’t have to fuel it or act on it.

We don’t try to control or get rid of our emotions and impulses. With mindfulness, we look at what is going on in our minds from a place of curiosity.

Mindfulness supports compassion in a couple of ways:

Mindfulness helps us to be more compassionate. When we are mindful, we are more able to notice and tend to whatever we need in that moment.

Mindfulness helps us to grow in compassion. Practice makes progress – not perfection. As we practice mindfulness, we can learn to settle and calm ourselves, to build more harmony and well-being in our minds and relationships.

Compassion Definition:

That’s where compassion can come in. Compassion is defined as being sensitive to the suffering of self and others with a deep commitment to try to prevent and relieve it. Whereas mindfulness is a kind of presence or openness to whatever experience is arising in our minds, compassion is an intentional and personal response to the experiencer. We’ve all touched suffering in some way during this pandemic. Anxiety and depression have been on the rise as people deal with losses, isolation, and uncertainty.  Compassion is a way of relating to pain or suffering coming up in the experiencer – whether the experiencer is ourselves or others.

Kristin Neff and Chris Germer have developed powerful but simple tools to help us hold ourselves (and others) with mindful compassion. In their research and teaching, mindfulness, self-kindness and common humanity are three dimensions of self-compassion that we can call upon these at any moment – so that we can become our own trusted friend.

Mindfulness. “This is a moment of suffering… This is stressful.”

Begin with a pause, noticing and naming what arises, whether the experience is a serious loss or a moment of being irritable.

Self-Kindness. “It’s okay to feel that way…. May I give myself what I need.”

When we make a mistake, we give ourselves warmth and acceptance. Rather than beat ourselves up, we soothe and comfort ourselves. We offer gentle, supportive words to ourselves just as we would with a good friend. We can also try soothing touch.  

Common Humanity. “Suffering is part of life… Everyone experiences suffering… I’m not alone.”

Remembering our common humanity helps us gain perspective, that we are all flawed works-in-progress, that everyone fails, makes mistakes, suffers hardships. We don’t need to go it alone. No matter how painful, our experience is a natural part of being human. Remembering our shared humanity helps us feel connected with others.

The three components of self-compassion support us in cultivating a state of loving (self-kindness), connected (common humanity) presence (mindfulness).

They help us:

At being… accepting and allowing the experience as it is. We can breathe in, settle ourselves, remember we’re not alone, shift perspective to be supportive.

With a growing ability to access our inner truth and wisdom from a calmer, more regulated place. Practice makes progress – not perfection. Practicing awareness and compassion helps us build resilience, in the present moment and throughout our lives.

Paul Gilbert writes:

If we can learn to be kind and relate to ourselves with a caring mentality – to send ourselves helpful messages when things are hard for us – we’re more likely to stimulate those parts of the brain that respond to kindness. This will help us cope with stress and setbacks.

With mindfulness and compassion, we can exercise more developed, reflective areas of our brains (the neo-cortex).  Through mindfulness and compassion, we can cultivate a “tend and befriend” response – actually training our minds to feel at peace, connected with others and the natural world.

We will always experience pain, sadness or anger, but we don’t have to judge those emotions or instincts. We don’t need to get stuck there. (Remember the idea of common humanity – we can attune to the reality that suffering is part of life.) Mindfulness and compassion help us develop kindness & equanimity to meet the pain, to reflect on what actions we might need to take, and to promote flourishing and well-being for ourselves and others.  

Reflection Questions

• What aspects of mindfulness and compassion do you find most helpful?

• How do you bring mindfulness and compassion into your everyday activities (folding laundry, answering email, organizing your desk)?

• If you have (or had in the past) a regular mindfulness or contemplative practice, what about that experience seems to stay with you as you go about your daily activities?  

Resources

• Gilbert, Paul and Choden (2013). Mindful Compassion: Using the Power of Mindfulness and Compassion to Transform Our Lives. Great Britain: Robinson.

• Neff, Kristin and Germer, Christopher (2018). The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength and Thrive. New York: The Guilford Press.

• Rupp, Joyce (2018). Boundless Compassion. Notre Dame, IN: Sorin Books.