Forgiveness as a Healing Process
Forgiveness as a Personal Practice:
Forgiveness is a releasing of the heart, a conscious intention to let go of resentment to people or groups who have harmed us, regardless of whether it is deserved.
Forgiveness is an internal process where we let go of the pain of judgments and blame that we have been carrying, so that our hearts become fearless and free.
Forgiveness is holistic spiritual practice that honors our mind, body, and spirit. For Christians, our experience of being fully accepted and forgiven by God is central to our identity. Just as we are accepted and forgiven by the Holy One, we are called and gifted to accept and forgive others. When we don’t feel ready or willing to forgive, we can ask God to help us with our feelings of guilt or blame. In prayer, we can ask for God’s guidance and love, trusting in God’s Spirit to be with us as we process our experiences and move toward forgiveness.
Forgiveness is a healing process that differs greatly depending on variables such as the closeness of the relationship, the magnitude of the hurt, and the remorse of the offender.
Kathleen Fischer
Regular acts of forgiveness are a normal, valuable part of life with communities, families, partners, and friends. We all mess up in small ways all the time – making mistakes and having idiosyncrasies is part of being human. When we regularly forgive the smaller things that pop up, we often learn from our experiences in ways that help us navigate life with more insight and compassion. Our hearts soften and open. We have easier access to the freedom, relief and joy that comes with forgiving. We become more resilient and ready to take on more difficult aspects of forgiveness when the time comes.
When there has been a deeper wound or betrayal, forgiveness is a more complex process that can take a while. In these more challenging cases, it helps to keep in mind a few things:
We do not need to rush or force forgiveness.
We do not need to forget or condone the hurtful behavior.
We may need to establish support systems.
We may go through many stages and emotions: grief, rage, sorrow, blame and shame.
Honoring our pace and timing in complex situations, not rushing forgiveness, can be a way of protecting us from further harm while we learn new boundaries and process painful experiences. Early on, the anger and resentment we feel may be like the canary in the coal mine, alerting us of violations and trying to protect us from harm. We help the process when we gently explore the feelings and behaviors that have tried to protect us, thanking them and giving ourselves lovingkindness, as we discern how best to respond.
We can frame forgiveness as an act of self-compassion. When the time is right, when we are ready and willing, we forgive largely because it is personally liberating.
With self-compassion - we don’t minimize our dignity or silence our inner voice. Forgiveness should not be self-abandonment. For those of us who care about compassion, our desire to keep a relationship intact can too often lead us to retreat from our inner voice and lose our own perspective. With self-compassion, we can forgive others while also taking care of ourselves.
We do let go of our resentments, bitterness and hurt, and in exchange, experience the deep healing of inner freedom.
The process of forgiving is a mystery. It involves a letting go that cleans out and releases the toxins we’ve been carrying inside as it serves our ongoing healing and wholeness.
When we cannot give and receive forgiveness, a part of us gradually becomes a remote island. Compassion slowly turns away, hiding out under the rock of a hardened heart.
Joyce Rupp
Steps that can Help us to Forgive – within a Context of Self-Compassion, Safety & Support:
1. Begin with the truth of what happened to us, or as close as we can come to the truth.
Traumatic events and memories live in our body and need to be named and processed for healing (or else they surface elsewhere).
2. Remember to forgive ourselves.
Check our feelings, thoughts and body with mindfulness and compassion. Notice any contractions in our bodies and try to soften them.
Give ourselves soothing touch and words of self-kindness.
Recall our common humanity – everyone makes mistakes. We are not alone.
3. Explore any part we may have played in the experience. Revisit our actions mindfully, without judging. Even when we have been hurt by another, we may have acted in some ways that were not helpful. We can consider any actions we took, wondering how we might learn from then, with a willingness to change unhelpful patterns in ourselves.
4. Explore the experience from the perspective of the person we want to forgive. Consider their needs, beliefs, history, limits, perspective. Consider how they might be suffering. Try to put ourselves in their shoes.
5. Connect with any positive feelings that we might have despite the situation.
Even within pain, it is possible to draw forth gifts from our experience such as strength, sensitivity, empathy, insight courage…. We can notice even small instances of our emerging gifts, seeing them as the Spirit’s work in our lives.
Without denying the experience, we can also appreciate what else is true. Recalling small daily blessings such as clean air, birdsong and nourishing food can help us open to the various layers of reality in our lives.
6. Self-compassion is needed when issues seem unforgivable. We don’t have to forgive everyone and everything. We are human. Don’t force or rush the impossible. If it feels right, call on a sacred spirit to meet and care for you where you are.
Reflection Questions
Bring to mind a mildly or moderately painful experience that has called for forgiveness. Recall what has been helpful to you in navigating the situation.
How have forgiveness and compassion been related in your life?
Resources
Fischer, Kathleen (1999). Transforming Fire: Women Using Anger Creatively. Mahwah, New Jersey: Paulist Press.
Rogers, Frank (2016). Compassion in Practice. Nashville, Tennessee: Upper Room Books.
Rupp, Joyce (2018). Boundless Compassion. Notre Dame, IN: Sorin Books.
Winston, Diana (2019). “Cultivating Forgiveness.” UCLA MAPs, https://www.uclahealth.org/marc/classes#forgiveness/ .